So this is what rock-bottom looks like.

April 8, 2011

The editor of SoulWornThin, I am a thirty-something male living in the southeastern United States. We here at SoulWornThin – okay, I here at SoulWornThin – will, over the course of the next sixty or ninety days or so, attempt to chronicle my attempt to slither out from under the rock under which I have taken up residence for the last fifteen years or so. Addiction is hell, and I want out. I suppose others have done this before me (I suppose, I don’t know). But based on my experience that the singular feature of addiction is an oppressive loneliness,  the thought occurred to me that it might do others – and in turn me – some measure of good to know that they are not alone, and there are a lot of people fighting that fight. Some days losing, some days winning, but nevertheless FIGHTING unbowed.  

I believe I have an ability to express feelings with words. Addiction defies description: why we do the things we do which defy all logic, the things that are killing us slowly and hurting the people close to us; the way we feel after a binge; the way withdrawal feels. The way we feel when people say awful and hurtful things to us because we seem to be using our own free will to commit suicide one little bag at a time. Back to my original point: I believe I have an ability to express feelings with words, and I want to put into words the war that so many other people like me are waging inside their own heads – that is the battleground, afterall. Because maybe I’ll say something that someone else has never heard put quite that way before. Sometimes, that’s all it takes; we’re hanging by a thread a lot of days, just a little nudge away from oblivion in one direction and from doing the next right thing in the other. Maybe one of the uninitiated who nonetheless has a loved one battling addiction will read something here that makes a little light come on, and though it won’t ever make them completely understand – it never does – maybe it will help them understand just enough to have compassion for the poor soul.

If I do this with anything less than the utmost respect for the foe I am waging war against, I have failed. If I do this with anything less than an effusive admiration and love for the people who are fighting their own fight in parallel to my own, I have failed. If I do this with anything less than an overriding compassion and sadness for those who have lost their fight, or who are in active addiction, I have failed. If I fail with my words to shake by the lapels those who happen by this site who are in denial about their addiction, I have failed. Finally, if I am not insightful, funny and irreverent, I have failed. 

Above all else, SoulWornThin is autobiographical. The outcome is still uncertain: I haven’t even started detox (more on all that tomorrow). But I love an uncertain outcome, because I’ve been on a track headed for a certain outcome for a long time. Certainty, up until a week or so ago, meant death, and long before my time. Fuck. That. Give me uncertainty six ways from Sunday! We love uncertainty here at SoulWornThin! Uncertainty is an empty canvas, a second chance, a deathbead conversion, a Sunday drive: tabula rasa.

If you struggle with these things, or know someone who does, stick with me. I’d like the support.

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One Response to “So this is what rock-bottom looks like.”

  1. Hi, this is a comment.
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